just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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