I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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