Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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