I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
