I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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