Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Randomize
