I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
