i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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