he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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