Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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