also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
