Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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