Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
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My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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