The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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