Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
