she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
