I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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