So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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