I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
What drink are we having for lunch?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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