I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
