i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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