Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Randomize
