nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
