what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Randomize
