I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize