Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
