Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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