Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
babies were throwing up all over the place
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
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