so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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