just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
