She went from zero to smokin in five shots
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
