I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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