did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
