You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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