all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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