I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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