why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
