"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
