just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
