now i know why i became what i already was.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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