I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
