Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
