I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
