My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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