I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
There r osticjed everywhere
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
