Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
