my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
