There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
