Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He's on the porch naked. Help.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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