you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
