So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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