Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
