Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
this is an emotional support booty call
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
