Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
