How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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