Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
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When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
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He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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