I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
