Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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