I never want to see another naked old woman again.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
