I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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