oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
