Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
