last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
