Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
